[ The darkness gets heavier until suddenly, the lights of a city in the illusionary distance flicker on, followed by the dim light of streetlamps just above them.
Justy yelps, predictably tightening his grip briefly before he relaxes.
They're on a city street. It's dirty and full of contrasts, bright lights and neon signs cast heavier shadows. Clean shop fronts and alleyways full of trash and grime. It's too quiet. But Justy seems elated at first, almost forgetting to keep hold of her hand as it loosens and he steps confidently towards the center. He turns, smiling back at her. ]
Hey, I think know this city, come on. It's not scary at all!
[Lights! So they're not just meant to stumble around in the dark this whole time--which is great, they're already off to a better start than she was expecting. She'd half-expected to find her hands suddenly wandering over monster flesh rather than wall or the incorporeal air. And she's eager to see what this city is like, especially if Justy knows it; she's never lost her love for finding somewhere new.
But then there's this stillness in the air, a quiet that even the Anchorage had never held, even in its slipshod, haphazard mixture of life and home and hearth. Like the city is holding its breath, waiting for something that may or may not arrive.]
[ As if another switch is flipped, suddenly the whole area is filled with sound. It comes on in layers, the bustle of a busy city; the hum of mixing conversations, the frenetic energy of drunks and fights and laughter. Mechanical sounds are there too; crafts taking off, landing, the clink of pachinko and slots.
But... there are still no people. The lights flicker sadly, stores empty as Justy spins around to look at all th store fronts. Some of them have gone black. ]
Huh, that's... weird.
[ He looks confused, but he starts moving away again, almost speaking to himself. ]
[She can't help but wince as sound suddenly blankets the city, the hustle and bustle she's used to but louder and in more crowded locales. The neon lights are somewhat familiar (though there are so many!), the alleys reminiscent of another port city she'd once visited, but the sounds of so much coin and the whir and crash of the machinery? That's new. It's loud and jarring and harsh in a way she's no longer used to.]
So this is the city you know? And what's the Soyokaze?
[How did stuff he knows so well get into this haunted house?]
[ Justy answers and starts walking again, right towards a pitch black alleyway. It feels right. So right that he almost marches right into the new darkness, wherever it leads. He takes a few steps, squinting into it.
Many of the decorations fail up close, the only real pathway in the haunted house is forward, into the dark. But it still somehow feels familiar. Eerily. Scarily. The decision that had hurt the most.
There's no way back now. Trapped, no choice. Stores keep closing, opportunities passing, people leaving. Some doors slam, making Justy jump. The noises are so loud but he can still hear his heart beat in his head. It makes his skin itch. ]
I think it's this way. Sorry... about all of this.
Edited (I was deeply unhappy with it dhfhfh) 2022-11-02 09:01 (UTC)
[Is this unsettling him? Wave tries to peer at him, but in what little light they have here she can't be entirely positive yet.]
You don't have to apologize. This is something aimed at you, isn't it?
[It's a little weird, that it would be so specific to him, but it's not the first time she's been in such a place either. Wave's mentally preparing herself, expecting that she'll see a familiar face sooner or later--but until then? She doesn't mind being here for Justy. She relinks their hands with a firmer grip, tucking in closer to his side so that hopefully as they keep walking, he'll remember he isn't here alone. Whatever it is about this situation that's meant to scare him, he doesn't have to face it on his own.]
[ Justy glances at her when she tucks in at his side. He leans in her direction before nodding and stepping forward. Her presence is a comfort, one that keeps his knees from shaking as he audibly swallows. If this place could do this much, there's no way to know what awaits them in the unknown.
He didn't completely remember the walk back then, so it's only fitting that they're forced to trudge through this alley. The sound of rats and skittering in the dark accompany them as the louder sounds behind them grow dull. Up ahead, uneven light spills from a door. It illuminates the trash, junk, and dubious puddles along the edges of their mostly clear path.
Once they pass the threshold, Justy's tense shoulders relax when his eyes fall on what appears to be the front end of a massive blue ship. A space ship, though it would be easy to mistake as sea faring if it weren't stored in a rundown hangar that is almost as uncared for as the ship itself. The area around them is littered with haphazard equipment, tools, ship parts, and trash. Outdated, the blue ship is rightly a piece of junk now.
Yet you wouldn't know it by the warm, genuine smile on Justy's face when he looks up at his ship in the middle of being stripped down to nothing, not a repair. Justy brings his heels together, straightens up, and salutes it with his free hand. One of the tiles spelling out Soyokaze in bold yellow Japanese, hiragana, falls with a loud clatter. Something electric pops above it, a visible and audible spark from one of the wires attached to it's hull.
Justy can't look at her. ]
I know it's not real, but... it's nice to see it again. This ship was home for a while.
[ He means it, in sort of a bittersweet way. Mixed in with the trash at their feet are newspapers with moving marquees without end. Some have headlines announcing victory, some with Tylor's photo in dress whites plastered across them. All he has eyes for are this ship as he starts walking toward it, to squat before the "ze" tile that'd landed on the ground.
It appears to trigger another thing he hates: paperwork.
A mass of them start to flutter from the darkness of the ceiling. His school reports, doodles, art, love letters already in pieces from being passionately torn to shreds, photos of a toothy young Justy Ueki Tylor with big eyes and a smile too big for his face. He's alone in every one. Other faces burnt out, some of them disintegrate before they touch the ground, but most survive.
A hail of student IDs follow, clattering with a less energetic face on each one as the years go by, a study in the progression of youth to reality. Some official looking documents mix in and are missing sections, charred out, but enough multiples fall that it is easy to piece together.
Justy Ueki Tylor. Born July 7th, UC 6978. UC 6991, a Keian High School graduation photo, looking far too young even before the math can be done. University acceptance letters, UC 6992, degrees from UC 6997 economics, industrial distribution. His military file paperwork is thick, peppering the ground with countless reports regarding one Lt. Commander, Justy Ueki Tylor, age 20, Captain of the undefeated Soyokaze.
Justy refuses to look at them, emotion draining from him with the effort. But he doesn't stop her from it, doesn't do much of anything except squat before the tile, frozen there. The ship groans, metal fighting metal, until it slowly begins crumbling to dust.
It's too much, the sound of it as the paperwork keeps piling around him. He laughs. But it's so forced that it's sad, and his body goes lax after that. His voice, small. ]
It's not fair. This isn't... this isn't scary at all.
[It's a far cry from the headless horsemen and murderous girls of the floor below, a far more quiet and insidious sort of scary, she thinks. This isn't the horror that jumps out at you from around the corner; this is the horror that waits for you to come to it, patient, because all men must discover it in their own time. This is the horror of living.
It's not something she wholly understands; her fears have always had form and shape, a name, a place, a voice. How do you fight a fear when there's nothing to fight against?
But even as the papers swirl around them, even as she tries to sneak a peek at the papers falling around them, Wave doesn't let go. It doesn't weigh as heavy on her, so she can stand tall for the both of them, even as the paperwork falls, the IDs hail down on them, even as she starts to piece together that this man before her... there's been a weight on his shoulders for a long time, hasn't there? Unbidden, she thinks of another man she knows, and she thinks that maybe she hasn't been looking at Justy this entire time.]
...sometimes the scariest things out there are the ones that don't look like they are at first glance. It's not always something you scream and run away from.
[ There's no feeling in it, like he's agreeing on instinct. But he does. She is the reason their hands stay connected, he doesn't fight it. He doesn't want her to let go, but he doesn't say it. ]
... I'm not going to stop you, if you want to tell anyone. People should be free to make their own choices.
[ Even when that freedom means they choose to leave. As the ship disappears, so does the tile. But he keeps staring like it's still there. Across from them, visible now in the Soyokaze's absence with the depths of the repair pit separating them, a lonely figure is propped up against the wall. Eyes downcast, lonely, empty. Justy doesn't look up to see his shadow across the way. ]
I won't live with regrets, but none of this is me anymore.
[She opens her mouth to respond, but before she can say anything there's a new voice, a man's voice, coming from behind them.]
Wave? Is that you?
[Even if Justy's not looking up, he'll probably feel the sudden pull at his hand as Wave sways, her entire sense of balance thrown off by the sudden twisting in her gut. There's no way it can be Dusk, not here. And yet, as she turns over her shoulder to look, her grip tightens because there's no way to mistake the way he carries himself, the aura of confident and capable and strength almost rolling from his shoulders. The way he meets her eyes, no actor could imitate; the way he casts his glance over the situation--over the hangar in its disarray, the two Justys, the mess of paperwork that originally littered the floor--impossible to replicate. Something in her seizes, a terror flooding her veins that she hadn't expected to feel the next time she came face-to-face with this man.]
Justy...
I was surprised when they told me you were in here, and with no one to protect you properly from the horrors you might encounter. [He smiles lightly, looking now to the Justy she's still holding on to.] Though it seems you've found replacement guard for the moment. This is...?
[ Justy blinks at the new voice, swallowing his crisis whole in favor of reality. It's whiplash but natural. The distraction would even have been welcome if this guy, and Wave's reaction, didn't say everything about how welcome his appearance is. Justy stands when she sways, standing and holding steady beside her.
He smiles at the man politely, but he squeezes her hand just like the first time downstairs. Justy brings his free hand too, patting her upper arm as he talks and leaving it there in case she starts to fall. ]
Oh, you almost guessed it! Justy Ueki Tylor, age 20.
But you're wrong. Wave's so strong and beautiful, she doesn't really need a guard! And I'll be here as long as she wants me to be.
[On the one hand, she's grateful to Justy for keeping hold of her hand, for the support, but on the other, the hand on her upper arm triggers something within her that she still can't fully understand, something that makes her eyes drop to the floor as he speaks, her voice dead in her throat. Dusk, on the other hand, always has something to say, and this time is no different.]
Yes, she is that, isn't she? [He nods politely.] Dusk Calerin, Lord of the Second Sector.
[They're two incredibly different men--in sharp contrast to Justy, Dusk holds himself tall and confident, his dark hair cut and styled neatly, his clothes fitted and sharp. He positively reeks of arcane power, violet eyes almost seeming to glow a little in the dim of the hangar (but it's a trick of the light, she tells herself; Dusk's eyes have never glowed before).]
You're welcome to stay if you'd prefer, but I trust you won't mind my joining you. [His smile is warm as he begins to walk toward them. It looks as though he'll head to Wave's other side, so Justy can keep holding on if he wants.] I've come a long way to join the festivities this week.
[ Justy, in all his contrasts to the other man, seems unfazed by all of it. In his own way, he holds his ground beside her, neither shielding her nor hiding behind her. He notices, thumb attempting comforting circles if she accepts them. ]
No, thank you!
Actually, this resort is invite only. [ Justy goes on, sounding genuinely remorseful-- ] And I'm afraid there's just no Mr. Duck on the list.
[ Then he tilts his head to innocently whisper to Wave, though it really isn't that quiet. ]
Hey Wave, is he always this bad at taking a hint? Let's ditch him.
[In her mind, it had already been a done deal. It would go the same way it always does--Dusk is well-spoken, quick to choose his words. She hadn't been prepared to feel him taking her arm in his, but she'd expected it all the same.
But Justy's refusing him instead, and it reminds her of why she's here. What she'd come for, what she wants. She bites the inside of her lip at "Mr. Duck," trying to keep a little smile from cracking while Dusk pauses, then shakes his head.]
Yes-- [She starts to say it, but is interrupted by Dusk.]
You'll find your host is aware of my presence. He invited me, once he learned my w--
Stop. [Wave finally finds her voice, cutting him off. It's hard at first to force the words out, but she gains assertiveness as she goes on:] Go away, Dusk. You're not real.
[He's undeterred by either of them, and if he's annoyed by their words in any way, it doesn't show. Dusk smiles again, this time indulgent, as though she's said something amusing.] Should they not know the truth? I would think your potential suitors would want to know they were flirting with a married woman.
[...and just like that, it's like a switch has flipped. There's a pressure in her chest that Wave can't stop to consider, a tingling of adrenaline rushing through her as Dusk outs the secret she's been holding onto, but her expression goes from blank to set, reaching for the small bag tied at her waist.]
[ Justy shuts his mouth once Wave starts, letting her find her footing. But he's still here, smiling softly at her like Mr. Duck doesn't exist. He doesn't, really, but that's not what is really important to Justy at the moment. Wave's wellbeing is.
But the threat of a weapon has Justy reacting, reaching for her. He puts no force into actually stopping her, but he leans over with a step to try and break her line of sight. Justy won't stop her, but he does try to catch her eyes. ]
Whoa, hey, it's okay.
[ Successful or not, he goes on, softer-- ]
He's not real. And... if you don't want to be married then you aren't. Who cares what some spooky ghost or piece of paper says?
[She's actually remarkably fast on the draw, a long dagger in her hand before he manages to break line of sight. For a moment she leans away, eyebrows furrowing as she tries to catch Dusk in her sights again, but then she'll let Justy get her attention, even though her mouth is still taut as she listens.
She has no idea what he means by a piece of paper, but it's not the important part in what he's saying, so she leaves that aside for now.]
It's not just that. He... [Her eyes flit to the side, over his shoulder, then back. Lords, how does she even begin to explain it?]
He killed me first. Not entirely, but a part of me. I won't let him do it again.
Then whatever it is, I wouldn't stop you from killing the real one, but--
[ Justy keeps his eyes on hers, wherever they wander, while ignoring the knife now that it's drawn. If they've still got their hands connected, he keeps them that way. Whether Duck is still around or not, Justy ignores it. ]
He's not really here, I promise. It's just me. And you don't really wanna stab me, right?
[But here in this moment she can appreciate his unflappable calm. He's right--Dusk's not here (probably), she's not going to be forced to go back to Coriolis after this (supposedly), and it's just the two of them standing alone in the middle of this haunted house (hopefully). His hand in hers is a welcome anchor in the midst of all this, the complex storm of emotions surrounding her and Dusk held at bay.
She wants out of this hell. Wace forces herself to relax a bit more and nods. She doesn't make any move to put the dagger away, but rolls it in her palm, tucking the blade in against the flat of her arm.]
Oh, I don't doubt it for a second. It's this place that's so scary.
[ Her move with the dagger is enough, not that he ever seemed to consider it a threat once it was out. Not while it's in her hand and she isn't seeing him as Duck or anything. He didn't like this place. His world is largely the here and now, what he can see and touch. The illusions here were too much.
He jumps at a distant clang from the darkness with a little yelp and his grip tightening. It's dark again, save for the exit light buzzing to life above a door. He's already moving towards it if she is when he answers her-- ]
[It seems as though the haunted house has one last surprise for them, a narrowing of the passageway as they near the exit. It's a tight fit, narrow enough that they can't walk through side-by-side, and Wave would swear her shoulders are brushing up against the walls, but that can't be because Justy's just ahead of her, right?
Ordinarily this would have set her off, but with everything that's happened between the abandoned city and Dusk, Wave just holds on a little tighter to his hand, closing her eyes and focusing on the feeling of that and the knife pressed flat against her arm.
And then they're out, breaching the stairwell, the darkness of the floor chased away by the sunlight filtering in. Wave lets out a breath she hadn't realized she'd begun holding, blinking a few times as a wave of dizziness sweeps her (how long had she been holding her breath...?).]
I take back anything I said earlier about going through that. That was awful.
[ Justy keeps their pace, quiet when he glances back to see her eyes closed. He doesn't mention it. But oh, the sunlight! Justy takes in a deep breath of fresh air like they've been trapped for weeks in there. He stretches his free arm up as high as he can before dropping it with a happy sigh.
His smile is bright as he looks at her, as if they'd been on a picnic. He squeezes her hand before his hand relaxes. No attempt to keep her there, but not pulling away either. ]
Yeah, but I sure am glad I had such a pretty lady there to protect me. Thank you, Wave.
[And just like that, he's gone back to the same man he'd seemed to be when they first met. It's strange now, hearing the same easy flattery dropping from his lips--knowing that there's much more beneath the surface than this. She doesn't think this is a lie, not any more, but... wow, the difference is striking.]
I should be the one thanking you. I thought that if I saw him again, I'd kill him. But I just froze instead.
[She glances down to their joined hands, but she makes no move to let go just yet. Instead, she reaches down to the bag at her hip, holding the pommel of her weapon in thumb and forefinger while she flips the top open and then slides the dagger inside. It's definitely too big to actually fit in the bag properly, and the edge should definitely cut through its material, but hey! Magic!]
I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been there. So thanks, Justy. What you said... it means a lot.
Well, then it's a good thing he wasn't real, right? [ Justy swings their joined arms, just a little to lighten things. ]
I hope you never have to see that guy again, but if you do then this was just a test run. You won't freeze next time and he won't ever know you froze either! Boy will Mr. Duck be surprised. [ A laugh ] That's not so bad, is it?
[ He shakes his head at the rest though, still smiling. ]
Oh no, I did what anyone would. Nobody should have to live by anyone else's rules-- [ But then he definitely gets distracted by that knife pouch-- ] That's so cool.
[She's distracted when he is, a laugh interrupting her as a smile comes to her face.] Isn't it? I bought it from a guy when my world was destroyed. He said he was some sort of magician working on the... [Pauses, turning her eyes upward as she remembers the phrasing] "quasi-theoretical extension of the physical plane by manner of spatial compression"? He was a little hard to understand, and from what I could tell he wasn't satisfied with this one, but it works well enough for me.
[And it made it possible to keep certain things hidden after she'd gone home the first time, too! Wave thinks for just a moment, then finally lets go of his hand so she can remove the bag from her waist, holding it out to Justy.]
[ Justy rapt attention only falters when his blank stare takes over once she gets to the words 'quasi-theoretical'--- but he renews interest by staring at the bag while she goes on. Magic sure was something else. ]
Sure.
[ He's surprised, but looks so genuinely happy right after that you'd think no one ever trusted him with weapons (they don't). Justy takes it, examining it with more than a little awe. He waves a hand under the bottom like a magician. ]
So much magic is used for storage issues. How much can you fit in one of these quasi space bags?
[ Like what would happen if you put your head in one of these? ]
[It's really nothing special to look at, a small leather bag kind of like this one, soft and supple from use. Since it's magic, Justy can easily wave his hand underneath!]
I'm not entirely sure. The gist I got was that he wanted it to have a defined limit so that when it was full, you could tell because you'd feel it as soon as you reached in. This one... if I understood him right, if you put too much in there, stuff starts getting lost. It somehow passes through the magic he did and shows up somewhere else. Only he's got no idea where it goes, or even if it would all wind up in the same place.
[So she hasn't exactly tested it to its limits yet! When you have a magical hole in your magical pocket...]
[ The outward plainness is what makes it all the more interesting to him. Justy listens, but doesn't stop fiddling with the bag. He opens it to look inside, apparently with no fear of anything popping out since he peers right in up close. ]
I wonder what it's like in there... How do you know what you're grabbing?
[It's weird when he opens it up--at the same time as it looks empty, it looks as though it's full too, strange shadowy shapes layered over top of one another. Nothing will really be defined enough to tell what it is specifically, but it's apparent that the bag Contains Items, even at the same time as it doesn't.
But man, he's making her work! Wave really hadn't questioned it, being from a world with magic in the first place.]
I guess I just... know? I reach in expecting to find something, and it's there under my hand. You do have to focus a little bit; if you aren't focusing on what you want to pull out you'll just get something random.
[She'd intended on talking to Justy this week about what he'd said during kings game on Saturday already, but with everything that's been going on Wave finds herself seeking him out sooner rather than later. Hi, Justy--have a Wave because she's just joining him without any sort of preamble whatsoever, leaning her head on his shoulder.]
I'd forgotten how complicated things can be sometimes.
[And it says a lot, whether he realizes it or not, that she feels like she can just... come to him to decompress. Whoops he's inner circle now, I don't make the rules.]
[ Justy looks her way, accepting her new presence with a smile. He tilts his head to playfully rest his cheek on her head.
He flips his free hand, palm for her if she'd like it. They both know he won't mind either way. ]
... Wanna talk about it?
[ Or just cuddle?
He's already sort of leaning in her direction supportively, happy to be part of her inner circle just as she is in his. She had the freedom to do whatever she wanted with his information, but... it's nice their secrets are a shared thing. It helped form this little bubble of unconditional platonic love and affection that he feels for her naturally.
[Theirs is not a romantic love, but there's a sudden click, a sudden shifting of the world as he lifts his hand up for her to take, and Wave realizes that ah, she's fucked. He's wormed his way into her heart, this man, and she takes that hand without hesitation, lacing their fingers.]
It's stupid.
[And she has so many conflicting emotions about it all, which is the worst part. Maybe she could work through it on her own if she didn't feel like she was being pulled in several different directions by all the ways she wants to respond.
But maybe that's something she can confide in him, in spite of the guilt that immediately begins to bubble up, the little voice in the back of her mind that wants to lecture her about expecting him to deal with her insecurities. Wave closes her eyes, taking a breath to at least try and find some sort of footing in all of this tumultuous mess.]
It's just--back in Coriolis, I learned to shove all of this away, you know? It was just... easier to not feel anything than to deal with what was happening. And now that I'm not doing that any more, there's so much that it's a little overwhelming. I don't know which feelings are mine, or which are just reactions to not feeling anything for so long, or which are just the products of refusing to acknowledge it. And then I feel like an idiot, because I should've known better than to let myself feel any of it in the first place, because that's the way I kept getting hurt in the first place.
[It's a mess!!!]
I don't want to not feel anything, either. That's not who I am. But I don't want to hurt people because I get pissed off any time I have an emotion stronger than "minor inconvenience."
cw: depression/trauma shit just gonna leave that here
[ Justy squeezes her hand, reassuring yet disagreeing that it's stupid at all. But he leaves it at that because whether she is right or wrong, her feelings on it are what matters. He goes quiet, thumb moving instinctively to press comforting circles while he waits for her to go on.
They continue. And after only a beat, to be sure she's come to a natural lull, before speaking again. ]
I see... You're right, that is pretty complicated.
But... it also seems pretty normal to me, when you're learning something new. Like how to smile for photos again. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and take time to understand your feelings, or yourself.
[ It's rare for him, to make the reference to his past so obvious. But if she is going to bare these messy parts, then he can ease up. She knew what his frown looked like better than anyone. ]
I know you'll figure it out. And anyone worth your time will understand. If they don't, then I hope you put yourself first.
.... but if it helps, you're important to me. So you can always come be pissed off at me whenever you want.
Besides, you look beautiful when you're angry, so I don't mind. Just don't stab me, alright?
cw: depression/trauma shit it's sads all the way down fam!!!
[That's something she knows, at least, even if everything else feels so messy. And there's more to what he's said, more that she should probably respond to, but...]
[ Justy laughs, because he didn't think far enough ahead to predict that. But she kneecaps him with his own concession.
He doesn't mind. ]
I dunno. It's hard to tell. Eventually stopped thinking about it at all.
[ Until now. He sighs, a finger twitches. ]
... Let myself focus on good things again. How rain sounds on city streets early in the morning, or how alcohol warms you up when it's cold. The smiles I could get from people
It still sucked. But it wasn't so bad, when I remembered I didn't have to live by anyone else's rules. I could do whatever I wanted.
That's what I thought I'd do, too. Once I found out we didn't have to go back if we didn't want to... I figured I could do anything I wanted and it would be okay. And it is, mostly. But...
[But then the rest of you are out here doing your thing and it makes her feel like she's burning, burning in a way that the rest of them are trying not to. And if she is, what does it say about her that she doesn't want to stop it, that she doesn't have the same fear they do about what happens if the people close to her also burn?]
It's hard, seeing how many people here are too afraid to be honest and go after what they want. I made that mistake. I was too afraid to talk to Ai about things before our worlds were restored, and it ended in me wasting two years of my life married to a monster while he strung me along and used me for his own schemes. I'm not going to make that mistake again, but watching everybody here...
[It hurts. It fucking hurts, seeing those chances at happiness and how they're denied based on fear. And then that hurt becomes anger, because she's so tired of hurting. Wave turns her head beneath his cheek, planting her face into his sleeve.]
I hate it. It's just as selfish as if you go after it, only in a different way.
Well, people have to learn those things on their own. They have to want it, and I'm not for everyone. But I'm okay with that, really.
It's more painful to watch them hurt, but it's also not impossible to help them.
[ Justy pats her hand. Then, he looks and straightens up suddenly with a serious expression on his face. He tries to turn Wave gently, dramatically to face him with both hands.
You never have to see him again if you don't want to. I think your heart might like the break at least, but you should do what you think is best, even if it takes a long time.
If I stay, I'll be around for all the hugs you need.
[When Justy reaches out to her, turns her, that look upon his face... she can't help but be worried, looking up to him with a little furrow between her eyebrows...
And then he quacks.
He quacks, and it's so at odds with what she was expecting that Wave bursts into laughter, free and bright and altogether healing, lifting some of the cloud of frustration that had been weighing her down.]
Thank you, Justy. [And hopefully he's prepared because he's just going to get an armload of girl as she almost throws herself into his chest for a hug.]
I'm not worrying about him right now. I don't think he'll try to follow me; he's already gotten what he wants. And if he does, I'll deal with it then.
[...]
I think you're for more people than you give yourself credit for, though. Just so you know.
[ Justy laughs with her until Wave hits his chest. It gets an oof out of him, but he's already wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently squeezing once. He really does like hugs. They comfort him as much as the other person. ]
I know you will. You're a strong person, Wave, so I think you'll be okay no matter what happens.
[ Justy hums in response to that last line. They disagree on this. But she knows this applies to his time here as well, on some level. ]
I do what I want, when I want to. Not everyone can handle that, you know?
Even when they think they can, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They have to want me on their own, and I have to give them the freedom to choose.
Even if no one ever does, I don't regret a thing.
Edited (Omg I'm sorry I just woke up fhfh) 2022-11-10 23:28 (UTC)
[me just adding another tally to "Number of Laps Wave Has Sat On" bc assuming they've been sitting, she's not going to shift back to her own seat.]
I think that's okay. You shouldn't try to make yourself into someone else just to suit some role someone else decided you should be.
But I also think you're assuming that they know they have the choice.
I knew I wanted to stay with Ai way before our worlds were restored. But I didn't know if he'd be open to that. He had his brothers to look after, and his home wasn't exactly welcoming to outsiders... and he never said anything to me one way or another, so I don't know if the option was even there. I can guess, but I'll never know for certain.
So I guess what I'm saying is... I think if you give people the option to choose, you'll be surprised. But you've also got a responsibility to let them know the option's there if they want to take it.
Maybe you should've asked him, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Either way, there's nothing worrying about it now will do other than hurt you.
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
Just make sure you give them the chance to stay, too. That's all I'm asking. [She flashes him a smile, mischievous.] Not everyone's as selfish as I am. Or as stubborn.
[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
But what if I'm the selfish one? Loving all these people, being responsible for all those hearts--I'm not sure I could do it.
... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
[Tapping the back of his hand with her fingers.] You're already being selfish, though. It's just a different kind of selfishness.
[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
What if I cheat on them or leave one day? I miss anniversaries, birthdays, I lose track of time and days. It doesn't mean I love them any less, but who wants that? I'm happy with myself, don't get me wrong. But I know what I am, too.
[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
[She could keep arguing with Justy--"who wants that"? She wouldn't care, for one--but it's time to let the subject rest for now, and she will. So instead, she'll just squeeze his hand again when he says he thinks she's worth seeing, tipping her head up to plant a small kiss on the underside of his jaw.]
I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
Yeah. It'd be nice to finally go on a proper date together.
[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Justy yelps, predictably tightening his grip briefly before he relaxes.
They're on a city street. It's dirty and full of contrasts, bright lights and neon signs cast heavier shadows. Clean shop fronts and alleyways full of trash and grime. It's too quiet. But Justy seems elated at first, almost forgetting to keep hold of her hand as it loosens and he steps confidently towards the center. He turns, smiling back at her. ]
Hey, I think know this city, come on. It's not scary at all!
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But then there's this stillness in the air, a quiet that even the Anchorage had never held, even in its slipshod, haphazard mixture of life and home and hearth. Like the city is holding its breath, waiting for something that may or may not arrive.]
Are you sure? It's so quiet.
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Yeah, you're--
[ As if another switch is flipped, suddenly the whole area is filled with sound. It comes on in layers, the bustle of a busy city; the hum of mixing conversations, the frenetic energy of drunks and fights and laughter. Mechanical sounds are there too; crafts taking off, landing, the clink of pachinko and slots.
But... there are still no people. The lights flicker sadly, stores empty as Justy spins around to look at all th store fronts. Some of them have gone black. ]
Huh, that's... weird.
[ He looks confused, but he starts moving away again, almost speaking to himself. ]
Oh, but maybe they brought the Soyokaze here too?
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So this is the city you know? And what's the Soyokaze?
[How did stuff he knows so well get into this haunted house?]
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[ Justy answers and starts walking again, right towards a pitch black alleyway. It feels right. So right that he almost marches right into the new darkness, wherever it leads. He takes a few steps, squinting into it.
Many of the decorations fail up close, the only real pathway in the haunted house is forward, into the dark. But it still somehow feels familiar. Eerily. Scarily. The decision that had hurt the most.
There's no way back now. Trapped, no choice. Stores keep closing, opportunities passing, people leaving. Some doors slam, making Justy jump. The noises are so loud but he can still hear his heart beat in his head. It makes his skin itch. ]
I think it's this way. Sorry... about all of this.
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You don't have to apologize. This is something aimed at you, isn't it?
[It's a little weird, that it would be so specific to him, but it's not the first time she's been in such a place either. Wave's mentally preparing herself, expecting that she'll see a familiar face sooner or later--but until then? She doesn't mind being here for Justy. She relinks their hands with a firmer grip, tucking in closer to his side so that hopefully as they keep walking, he'll remember he isn't here alone. Whatever it is about this situation that's meant to scare him, he doesn't have to face it on his own.]
Let's keep going.
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[ Justy glances at her when she tucks in at his side. He leans in her direction before nodding and stepping forward. Her presence is a comfort, one that keeps his knees from shaking as he audibly swallows. If this place could do this much, there's no way to know what awaits them in the unknown.
He didn't completely remember the walk back then, so it's only fitting that they're forced to trudge through this alley. The sound of rats and skittering in the dark accompany them as the louder sounds behind them grow dull. Up ahead, uneven light spills from a door. It illuminates the trash, junk, and dubious puddles along the edges of their mostly clear path.
Once they pass the threshold, Justy's tense shoulders relax when his eyes fall on what appears to be the front end of a massive blue ship. A space ship, though it would be easy to mistake as sea faring if it weren't stored in a rundown hangar that is almost as uncared for as the ship itself. The area around them is littered with haphazard equipment, tools, ship parts, and trash. Outdated, the blue ship is rightly a piece of junk now.
Yet you wouldn't know it by the warm, genuine smile on Justy's face when he looks up at his ship in the middle of being stripped down to nothing, not a repair. Justy brings his heels together, straightens up, and salutes it with his free hand. One of the tiles spelling out Soyokaze in bold yellow Japanese, hiragana, falls with a loud clatter. Something electric pops above it, a visible and audible spark from one of the wires attached to it's hull.
Justy can't look at her. ]
I know it's not real, but... it's nice to see it again. This ship was home for a while.
[ He means it, in sort of a bittersweet way. Mixed in with the trash at their feet are newspapers with moving marquees without end. Some have headlines announcing victory, some with Tylor's photo in dress whites plastered across them. All he has eyes for are this ship as he starts walking toward it, to squat before the "ze" tile that'd landed on the ground.
It appears to trigger another thing he hates: paperwork.
A mass of them start to flutter from the darkness of the ceiling. His school reports, doodles, art, love letters already in pieces from being passionately torn to shreds, photos of a toothy young Justy Ueki Tylor with big eyes and a smile too big for his face. He's alone in every one. Other faces burnt out, some of them disintegrate before they touch the ground, but most survive.
A hail of student IDs follow, clattering with a less energetic face on each one as the years go by, a study in the progression of youth to reality. Some official looking documents mix in and are missing sections, charred out, but enough multiples fall that it is easy to piece together.
Justy Ueki Tylor. Born July 7th, UC 6978. UC 6991, a Keian High School graduation photo, looking far too young even before the math can be done. University acceptance letters, UC 6992, degrees from UC 6997 economics, industrial distribution. His military file paperwork is thick, peppering the ground with countless reports regarding one Lt. Commander, Justy Ueki Tylor, age 20, Captain of the undefeated Soyokaze.
Justy refuses to look at them, emotion draining from him with the effort. But he doesn't stop her from it, doesn't do much of anything except squat before the tile, frozen there. The ship groans, metal fighting metal, until it slowly begins crumbling to dust.
It's too much, the sound of it as the paperwork keeps piling around him. He laughs. But it's so forced that it's sad, and his body goes lax after that. His voice, small. ]
It's not fair. This isn't... this isn't scary at all.
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It's not something she wholly understands; her fears have always had form and shape, a name, a place, a voice. How do you fight a fear when there's nothing to fight against?
But even as the papers swirl around them, even as she tries to sneak a peek at the papers falling around them, Wave doesn't let go. It doesn't weigh as heavy on her, so she can stand tall for the both of them, even as the paperwork falls, the IDs hail down on them, even as she starts to piece together that this man before her... there's been a weight on his shoulders for a long time, hasn't there? Unbidden, she thinks of another man she knows, and she thinks that maybe she hasn't been looking at Justy this entire time.]
...sometimes the scariest things out there are the ones that don't look like they are at first glance. It's not always something you scream and run away from.
[Lords, does she know that one.]
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[ There's no feeling in it, like he's agreeing on instinct. But he does. She is the reason their hands stay connected, he doesn't fight it. He doesn't want her to let go, but he doesn't say it. ]
... I'm not going to stop you, if you want to tell anyone. People should be free to make their own choices.
[ Even when that freedom means they choose to leave. As the ship disappears, so does the tile. But he keeps staring like it's still there. Across from them, visible now in the Soyokaze's absence with the depths of the repair pit separating them, a lonely figure is propped up against the wall. Eyes downcast, lonely, empty. Justy doesn't look up to see his shadow across the way. ]
I won't live with regrets, but none of this is me anymore.
no subject
Wave? Is that you?
[Even if Justy's not looking up, he'll probably feel the sudden pull at his hand as Wave sways, her entire sense of balance thrown off by the sudden twisting in her gut. There's no way it can be Dusk, not here. And yet, as she turns over her shoulder to look, her grip tightens because there's no way to mistake the way he carries himself, the aura of confident and capable and strength almost rolling from his shoulders. The way he meets her eyes, no actor could imitate; the way he casts his glance over the situation--over the hangar in its disarray, the two Justys, the mess of paperwork that originally littered the floor--impossible to replicate. Something in her seizes, a terror flooding her veins that she hadn't expected to feel the next time she came face-to-face with this man.]
Justy...
I was surprised when they told me you were in here, and with no one to protect you properly from the horrors you might encounter. [He smiles lightly, looking now to the Justy she's still holding on to.] Though it seems you've found replacement guard for the moment. This is...?
no subject
He smiles at the man politely, but he squeezes her hand just like the first time downstairs. Justy brings his free hand too, patting her upper arm as he talks and leaving it there in case she starts to fall. ]
Oh, you almost guessed it! Justy Ueki Tylor, age 20.
But you're wrong. Wave's so strong and beautiful, she doesn't really need a guard! And I'll be here as long as she wants me to be.
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Yes, she is that, isn't she? [He nods politely.] Dusk Calerin, Lord of the Second Sector.
[They're two incredibly different men--in sharp contrast to Justy, Dusk holds himself tall and confident, his dark hair cut and styled neatly, his clothes fitted and sharp. He positively reeks of arcane power, violet eyes almost seeming to glow a little in the dim of the hangar (but it's a trick of the light, she tells herself; Dusk's eyes have never glowed before).]
You're welcome to stay if you'd prefer, but I trust you won't mind my joining you. [His smile is warm as he begins to walk toward them. It looks as though he'll head to Wave's other side, so Justy can keep holding on if he wants.] I've come a long way to join the festivities this week.
no subject
No, thank you!
Actually, this resort is invite only. [ Justy goes on, sounding genuinely remorseful-- ] And I'm afraid there's just no Mr. Duck on the list.
[ Then he tilts his head to innocently whisper to Wave, though it really isn't that quiet. ]
Hey Wave, is he always this bad at taking a hint? Let's ditch him.
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But Justy's refusing him instead, and it reminds her of why she's here. What she'd come for, what she wants. She bites the inside of her lip at "Mr. Duck," trying to keep a little smile from cracking while Dusk pauses, then shakes his head.]
Yes-- [She starts to say it, but is interrupted by Dusk.]
You'll find your host is aware of my presence. He invited me, once he learned my w--
Stop. [Wave finally finds her voice, cutting him off. It's hard at first to force the words out, but she gains assertiveness as she goes on:] Go away, Dusk. You're not real.
[He's undeterred by either of them, and if he's annoyed by their words in any way, it doesn't show. Dusk smiles again, this time indulgent, as though she's said something amusing.] Should they not know the truth? I would think your potential suitors would want to know they were flirting with a married woman.
[...and just like that, it's like a switch has flipped. There's a pressure in her chest that Wave can't stop to consider, a tingling of adrenaline rushing through her as Dusk outs the secret she's been holding onto, but her expression goes from blank to set, reaching for the small bag tied at her waist.]
I'm going to stab him.
no subject
But the threat of a weapon has Justy reacting, reaching for her. He puts no force into actually stopping her, but he leans over with a step to try and break her line of sight. Justy won't stop her, but he does try to catch her eyes. ]
Whoa, hey, it's okay.
[ Successful or not, he goes on, softer-- ]
He's not real. And... if you don't want to be married then you aren't. Who cares what some spooky ghost or piece of paper says?
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She has no idea what he means by a piece of paper, but it's not the important part in what he's saying, so she leaves that aside for now.]
It's not just that. He... [Her eyes flit to the side, over his shoulder, then back. Lords, how does she even begin to explain it?]
He killed me first. Not entirely, but a part of me. I won't let him do it again.
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[ Justy keeps his eyes on hers, wherever they wander, while ignoring the knife now that it's drawn. If they've still got their hands connected, he keeps them that way. Whether Duck is still around or not, Justy ignores it. ]
He's not really here, I promise. It's just me. And you don't really wanna stab me, right?
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[But here in this moment she can appreciate his unflappable calm. He's right--Dusk's not here (probably), she's not going to be forced to go back to Coriolis after this (supposedly), and it's just the two of them standing alone in the middle of this haunted house (hopefully). His hand in hers is a welcome anchor in the midst of all this, the complex storm of emotions surrounding her and Dusk held at bay.
She wants out of this hell. Wace forces herself to relax a bit more and nods. She doesn't make any move to put the dagger away, but rolls it in her palm, tucking the blade in against the flat of her arm.]
Let's get out of here.
no subject
[ Her move with the dagger is enough, not that he ever seemed to consider it a threat once it was out. Not while it's in her hand and she isn't seeing him as Duck or anything. He didn't like this place. His world is largely the here and now, what he can see and touch. The illusions here were too much.
He jumps at a distant clang from the darkness with a little yelp and his grip tightening. It's dark again, save for the exit light buzzing to life above a door. He's already moving towards it if she is when he answers her-- ]
Don't have to tell me twice.
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Ordinarily this would have set her off, but with everything that's happened between the abandoned city and Dusk, Wave just holds on a little tighter to his hand, closing her eyes and focusing on the feeling of that and the knife pressed flat against her arm.
And then they're out, breaching the stairwell, the darkness of the floor chased away by the sunlight filtering in. Wave lets out a breath she hadn't realized she'd begun holding, blinking a few times as a wave of dizziness sweeps her (how long had she been holding her breath...?).]
I take back anything I said earlier about going through that. That was awful.
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His smile is bright as he looks at her, as if they'd been on a picnic. He squeezes her hand before his hand relaxes. No attempt to keep her there, but not pulling away either. ]
Yeah, but I sure am glad I had such a pretty lady there to protect me. Thank you, Wave.
no subject
I should be the one thanking you. I thought that if I saw him again, I'd kill him. But I just froze instead.
[She glances down to their joined hands, but she makes no move to let go just yet. Instead, she reaches down to the bag at her hip, holding the pommel of her weapon in thumb and forefinger while she flips the top open and then slides the dagger inside. It's definitely too big to actually fit in the bag properly, and the edge should definitely cut through its material, but hey! Magic!]
I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been there. So thanks, Justy. What you said... it means a lot.
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I hope you never have to see that guy again, but if you do then this was just a test run. You won't freeze next time and he won't ever know you froze either! Boy will Mr. Duck be surprised. [ A laugh ] That's not so bad, is it?
[ He shakes his head at the rest though, still smiling. ]
Oh no, I did what anyone would. Nobody should have to live by anyone else's rules-- [ But then he definitely gets distracted by that knife pouch-- ] That's so cool.
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[She's distracted when he is, a laugh interrupting her as a smile comes to her face.] Isn't it? I bought it from a guy when my world was destroyed. He said he was some sort of magician working on the... [Pauses, turning her eyes upward as she remembers the phrasing] "quasi-theoretical extension of the physical plane by manner of spatial compression"? He was a little hard to understand, and from what I could tell he wasn't satisfied with this one, but it works well enough for me.
[And it made it possible to keep certain things hidden after she'd gone home the first time, too! Wave thinks for just a moment, then finally lets go of his hand so she can remove the bag from her waist, holding it out to Justy.]
Want to try it?
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Sure.
[ He's surprised, but looks so genuinely happy right after that you'd think no one ever trusted him with weapons (they don't). Justy takes it, examining it with more than a little awe. He waves a hand under the bottom like a magician. ]
So much magic is used for storage issues. How much can you fit in one of these quasi space bags?
[ Like what would happen if you put your head in one of these? ]
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I'm not entirely sure. The gist I got was that he wanted it to have a defined limit so that when it was full, you could tell because you'd feel it as soon as you reached in. This one... if I understood him right, if you put too much in there, stuff starts getting lost. It somehow passes through the magic he did and shows up somewhere else. Only he's got no idea where it goes, or even if it would all wind up in the same place.
[So she hasn't exactly tested it to its limits yet! When you have a magical hole in your magical pocket...]
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I wonder what it's like in there... How do you know what you're grabbing?
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But man, he's making her work! Wave really hadn't questioned it, being from a world with magic in the first place.]
I guess I just... know? I reach in expecting to find something, and it's there under my hand. You do have to focus a little bit; if you aren't focusing on what you want to pull out you'll just get something random.
w3
I'd forgotten how complicated things can be sometimes.
[And it says a lot, whether he realizes it or not, that she feels like she can just... come to him to decompress. Whoops he's inner circle now, I don't make the rules.]
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He flips his free hand, palm for her if she'd like it.
They both know he won't mind either way. ]
... Wanna talk about it?
[ Or just cuddle?
He's already sort of leaning in her direction supportively, happy to be part of her inner circle just as she is in his. She had the freedom to do whatever she wanted with his information, but... it's nice their secrets are a shared thing. It helped form this little bubble of unconditional platonic love and affection that he feels for her naturally.
So, naturally, he cares when she seems upset. ]
cw: depression/trauma shit
It's stupid.
[And she has so many conflicting emotions about it all, which is the worst part. Maybe she could work through it on her own if she didn't feel like she was being pulled in several different directions by all the ways she wants to respond.
But maybe that's something she can confide in him, in spite of the guilt that immediately begins to bubble up, the little voice in the back of her mind that wants to lecture her about expecting him to deal with her insecurities. Wave closes her eyes, taking a breath to at least try and find some sort of footing in all of this tumultuous mess.]
It's just--back in Coriolis, I learned to shove all of this away, you know? It was just... easier to not feel anything than to deal with what was happening. And now that I'm not doing that any more, there's so much that it's a little overwhelming. I don't know which feelings are mine, or which are just reactions to not feeling anything for so long, or which are just the products of refusing to acknowledge it. And then I feel like an idiot, because I should've known better than to let myself feel any of it in the first place, because that's the way I kept getting hurt in the first place.
[It's a mess!!!]
I don't want to not feel anything, either. That's not who I am. But I don't want to hurt people because I get pissed off any time I have an emotion stronger than "minor inconvenience."
cw: depression/trauma shit just gonna leave that here
They continue. And after only a beat, to be sure she's come to a natural lull, before speaking again. ]
I see... You're right, that is pretty complicated.
But... it also seems pretty normal to me, when you're learning something new. Like how to smile for photos again. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and take time to understand your feelings, or yourself.
[ It's rare for him, to make the reference to his past so obvious. But if she is going to bare these messy parts, then he can ease up. She knew what his frown looked like better than anyone. ]
I know you'll figure it out. And anyone worth your time will understand. If they don't, then I hope you put yourself first.
.... but if it helps, you're important to me. So you can always come be pissed off at me whenever you want.
Besides, you look beautiful when you're angry, so I don't mind. Just don't stab me, alright?
cw: depression/trauma shit it's sads all the way down fam!!!
[That's something she knows, at least, even if everything else feels so messy. And there's more to what he's said, more that she should probably respond to, but...]
How long did it take you...?
[To learn to smile again.]
Y e p
He doesn't mind. ]
I dunno. It's hard to tell. Eventually stopped thinking about it at all.
[ Until now. He sighs, a finger twitches. ]
... Let myself focus on good things again. How rain sounds on city streets early in the morning, or how alcohol warms you up when it's cold. The smiles I could get from people
It still sucked. But it wasn't so bad, when I remembered I didn't have to live by anyone else's rules. I could do whatever I wanted.
no subject
That's what I thought I'd do, too. Once I found out we didn't have to go back if we didn't want to... I figured I could do anything I wanted and it would be okay. And it is, mostly. But...
[But then the rest of you are out here doing your thing and it makes her feel like she's burning, burning in a way that the rest of them are trying not to. And if she is, what does it say about her that she doesn't want to stop it, that she doesn't have the same fear they do about what happens if the people close to her also burn?]
It's hard, seeing how many people here are too afraid to be honest and go after what they want. I made that mistake. I was too afraid to talk to Ai about things before our worlds were restored, and it ended in me wasting two years of my life married to a monster while he strung me along and used me for his own schemes. I'm not going to make that mistake again, but watching everybody here...
[It hurts. It fucking hurts, seeing those chances at happiness and how they're denied based on fear. And then that hurt becomes anger, because she's so tired of hurting. Wave turns her head beneath his cheek, planting her face into his sleeve.]
I hate it. It's just as selfish as if you go after it, only in a different way.
1/2
It's more painful to watch them hurt, but it's also not impossible to help them.
[ Justy pats her hand. Then, he looks and straightens up suddenly with a serious expression on his face. He tries to turn Wave gently, dramatically to face him with both hands.
And then he .... ]
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He definitely practiced that. ]
You never have to see him again if you don't want to. I think your heart might like the break at least, but you should do what you think is best, even if it takes a long time.
If I stay, I'll be around for all the hugs you need.
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And then he quacks.
He quacks, and it's so at odds with what she was expecting that Wave bursts into laughter, free and bright and altogether healing, lifting some of the cloud of frustration that had been weighing her down.]
Thank you, Justy. [And hopefully he's prepared because he's just going to get an armload of girl as she almost throws herself into his chest for a hug.]
I'm not worrying about him right now. I don't think he'll try to follow me; he's already gotten what he wants. And if he does, I'll deal with it then.
[...]
I think you're for more people than you give yourself credit for, though. Just so you know.
no subject
I know you will. You're a strong person, Wave, so I think you'll be okay no matter what happens.
[ Justy hums in response to that last line. They disagree on this. But she knows this applies to his time here as well, on some level. ]
I do what I want, when I want to. Not everyone can handle that, you know?
Even when they think they can, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They have to want me on their own, and I have to give them the freedom to choose.
Even if no one ever does, I don't regret a thing.
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I think that's okay. You shouldn't try to make yourself into someone else just to suit some role someone else decided you should be.
But I also think you're assuming that they know they have the choice.
I knew I wanted to stay with Ai way before our worlds were restored. But I didn't know if he'd be open to that. He had his brothers to look after, and his home wasn't exactly welcoming to outsiders... and he never said anything to me one way or another, so I don't know if the option was even there. I can guess, but I'll never know for certain.
So I guess what I'm saying is... I think if you give people the option to choose, you'll be surprised. But you've also got a responsibility to let them know the option's there if they want to take it.
cw allusions to death, but peaceful ??
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
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[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
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... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
He squeezes her gently. ]
Wanna tell me about them?
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[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
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[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
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I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
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[ Justy laughs again. ]
Maybe. But it's mostly a one-sided thing, I think. He's better with words, I think he might like me, but he deserves someone that will only love him.
... It might be fun to have one last date though. You'd like that with your guy too, right?
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[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
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[ Justy squeezes her. ]
Let's have fun while we're all still here together.