Maybe you should've asked him, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Either way, there's nothing worrying about it now will do other than hurt you.
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
Just make sure you give them the chance to stay, too. That's all I'm asking. [She flashes him a smile, mischievous.] Not everyone's as selfish as I am. Or as stubborn.
[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
But what if I'm the selfish one? Loving all these people, being responsible for all those hearts--I'm not sure I could do it.
... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
[Tapping the back of his hand with her fingers.] You're already being selfish, though. It's just a different kind of selfishness.
[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
What if I cheat on them or leave one day? I miss anniversaries, birthdays, I lose track of time and days. It doesn't mean I love them any less, but who wants that? I'm happy with myself, don't get me wrong. But I know what I am, too.
[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
[She could keep arguing with Justy--"who wants that"? She wouldn't care, for one--but it's time to let the subject rest for now, and she will. So instead, she'll just squeeze his hand again when he says he thinks she's worth seeing, tipping her head up to plant a small kiss on the underside of his jaw.]
I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
Yeah. It'd be nice to finally go on a proper date together.
[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw allusions to death, but peaceful ??
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
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[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
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... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
He squeezes her gently. ]
Wanna tell me about them?
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[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
no subject
[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
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I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
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[ Justy laughs again. ]
Maybe. But it's mostly a one-sided thing, I think. He's better with words, I think he might like me, but he deserves someone that will only love him.
... It might be fun to have one last date though. You'd like that with your guy too, right?
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[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
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[ Justy squeezes her. ]
Let's have fun while we're all still here together.