That's what I thought I'd do, too. Once I found out we didn't have to go back if we didn't want to... I figured I could do anything I wanted and it would be okay. And it is, mostly. But...
[But then the rest of you are out here doing your thing and it makes her feel like she's burning, burning in a way that the rest of them are trying not to. And if she is, what does it say about her that she doesn't want to stop it, that she doesn't have the same fear they do about what happens if the people close to her also burn?]
It's hard, seeing how many people here are too afraid to be honest and go after what they want. I made that mistake. I was too afraid to talk to Ai about things before our worlds were restored, and it ended in me wasting two years of my life married to a monster while he strung me along and used me for his own schemes. I'm not going to make that mistake again, but watching everybody here...
[It hurts. It fucking hurts, seeing those chances at happiness and how they're denied based on fear. And then that hurt becomes anger, because she's so tired of hurting. Wave turns her head beneath his cheek, planting her face into his sleeve.]
I hate it. It's just as selfish as if you go after it, only in a different way.
Well, people have to learn those things on their own. They have to want it, and I'm not for everyone. But I'm okay with that, really.
It's more painful to watch them hurt, but it's also not impossible to help them.
[ Justy pats her hand. Then, he looks and straightens up suddenly with a serious expression on his face. He tries to turn Wave gently, dramatically to face him with both hands.
You never have to see him again if you don't want to. I think your heart might like the break at least, but you should do what you think is best, even if it takes a long time.
If I stay, I'll be around for all the hugs you need.
[When Justy reaches out to her, turns her, that look upon his face... she can't help but be worried, looking up to him with a little furrow between her eyebrows...
And then he quacks.
He quacks, and it's so at odds with what she was expecting that Wave bursts into laughter, free and bright and altogether healing, lifting some of the cloud of frustration that had been weighing her down.]
Thank you, Justy. [And hopefully he's prepared because he's just going to get an armload of girl as she almost throws herself into his chest for a hug.]
I'm not worrying about him right now. I don't think he'll try to follow me; he's already gotten what he wants. And if he does, I'll deal with it then.
[...]
I think you're for more people than you give yourself credit for, though. Just so you know.
[ Justy laughs with her until Wave hits his chest. It gets an oof out of him, but he's already wrapping his arms around her shoulders and gently squeezing once. He really does like hugs. They comfort him as much as the other person. ]
I know you will. You're a strong person, Wave, so I think you'll be okay no matter what happens.
[ Justy hums in response to that last line. They disagree on this. But she knows this applies to his time here as well, on some level. ]
I do what I want, when I want to. Not everyone can handle that, you know?
Even when they think they can, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They have to want me on their own, and I have to give them the freedom to choose.
Even if no one ever does, I don't regret a thing.
Edited (Omg I'm sorry I just woke up fhfh) 2022-11-10 23:28 (UTC)
[me just adding another tally to "Number of Laps Wave Has Sat On" bc assuming they've been sitting, she's not going to shift back to her own seat.]
I think that's okay. You shouldn't try to make yourself into someone else just to suit some role someone else decided you should be.
But I also think you're assuming that they know they have the choice.
I knew I wanted to stay with Ai way before our worlds were restored. But I didn't know if he'd be open to that. He had his brothers to look after, and his home wasn't exactly welcoming to outsiders... and he never said anything to me one way or another, so I don't know if the option was even there. I can guess, but I'll never know for certain.
So I guess what I'm saying is... I think if you give people the option to choose, you'll be surprised. But you've also got a responsibility to let them know the option's there if they want to take it.
Maybe you should've asked him, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference. Either way, there's nothing worrying about it now will do other than hurt you.
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
Just make sure you give them the chance to stay, too. That's all I'm asking. [She flashes him a smile, mischievous.] Not everyone's as selfish as I am. Or as stubborn.
[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
But what if I'm the selfish one? Loving all these people, being responsible for all those hearts--I'm not sure I could do it.
... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
[Tapping the back of his hand with her fingers.] You're already being selfish, though. It's just a different kind of selfishness.
[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
What if I cheat on them or leave one day? I miss anniversaries, birthdays, I lose track of time and days. It doesn't mean I love them any less, but who wants that? I'm happy with myself, don't get me wrong. But I know what I am, too.
[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
[She could keep arguing with Justy--"who wants that"? She wouldn't care, for one--but it's time to let the subject rest for now, and she will. So instead, she'll just squeeze his hand again when he says he thinks she's worth seeing, tipping her head up to plant a small kiss on the underside of his jaw.]
I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
Yeah. It'd be nice to finally go on a proper date together.
[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
That's what I thought I'd do, too. Once I found out we didn't have to go back if we didn't want to... I figured I could do anything I wanted and it would be okay. And it is, mostly. But...
[But then the rest of you are out here doing your thing and it makes her feel like she's burning, burning in a way that the rest of them are trying not to. And if she is, what does it say about her that she doesn't want to stop it, that she doesn't have the same fear they do about what happens if the people close to her also burn?]
It's hard, seeing how many people here are too afraid to be honest and go after what they want. I made that mistake. I was too afraid to talk to Ai about things before our worlds were restored, and it ended in me wasting two years of my life married to a monster while he strung me along and used me for his own schemes. I'm not going to make that mistake again, but watching everybody here...
[It hurts. It fucking hurts, seeing those chances at happiness and how they're denied based on fear. And then that hurt becomes anger, because she's so tired of hurting. Wave turns her head beneath his cheek, planting her face into his sleeve.]
I hate it. It's just as selfish as if you go after it, only in a different way.
1/2
It's more painful to watch them hurt, but it's also not impossible to help them.
[ Justy pats her hand. Then, he looks and straightens up suddenly with a serious expression on his face. He tries to turn Wave gently, dramatically to face him with both hands.
And then he .... ]
no subject
He definitely practiced that. ]
You never have to see him again if you don't want to. I think your heart might like the break at least, but you should do what you think is best, even if it takes a long time.
If I stay, I'll be around for all the hugs you need.
no subject
And then he quacks.
He quacks, and it's so at odds with what she was expecting that Wave bursts into laughter, free and bright and altogether healing, lifting some of the cloud of frustration that had been weighing her down.]
Thank you, Justy. [And hopefully he's prepared because he's just going to get an armload of girl as she almost throws herself into his chest for a hug.]
I'm not worrying about him right now. I don't think he'll try to follow me; he's already gotten what he wants. And if he does, I'll deal with it then.
[...]
I think you're for more people than you give yourself credit for, though. Just so you know.
no subject
I know you will. You're a strong person, Wave, so I think you'll be okay no matter what happens.
[ Justy hums in response to that last line. They disagree on this. But she knows this applies to his time here as well, on some level. ]
I do what I want, when I want to. Not everyone can handle that, you know?
Even when they think they can, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. They have to want me on their own, and I have to give them the freedom to choose.
Even if no one ever does, I don't regret a thing.
no subject
I think that's okay. You shouldn't try to make yourself into someone else just to suit some role someone else decided you should be.
But I also think you're assuming that they know they have the choice.
I knew I wanted to stay with Ai way before our worlds were restored. But I didn't know if he'd be open to that. He had his brothers to look after, and his home wasn't exactly welcoming to outsiders... and he never said anything to me one way or another, so I don't know if the option was even there. I can guess, but I'll never know for certain.
So I guess what I'm saying is... I think if you give people the option to choose, you'll be surprised. But you've also got a responsibility to let them know the option's there if they want to take it.
cw allusions to death, but peaceful ??
That's why I say what I want. I'll never have any regrets, I can go peacefully knowing I have nothing left to say to anyone.
[ He sounds so happy though. As if the solution had brought him more peace than he can articulate. He's got a solid, platonic lap, so her being there is fine with Justy. Physical affection is something he soaks in when it's offered. He'd never asked her in words, but it's sort of unfair how safe and free he feels. He's also probably sort of slouching into her while holding her close, but he's warm and undemanding when he sighs; a different level of intimacy comes from the clarity of friendship, of nothing else binding them here than themselves and the simple things.
She can keep him talking more openly about the less fun things better than anyone else like this. It's a little scary, actually. Wave understands, he thinks, and she gives no demands either. There's no itch to break away from sharp questions, at least none that are unmanageable. Better yet, she shares. It's easier like this. ]
... I always give them the chance to leave. I'm really not upset when the life they want to lead doesn't include me, even when I know I'll miss them. Asking them, now that'd be unfair if I can't give them what they need. Or want. It just hurts both of us.
[ Justy squeezes, but he sounds happy. ]
Don't worry so much, Wave, I'm fine. I get to fall in love all the time, that's better.
no subject
[They aren't self-deprecating descriptors--she's okay with being selfish, after everything she's been through with Dusk. The world's never given her back anything for being patient or understanding, so she's going to grab hold of what she wants. And there's nothing wrong with that.
But she can't force Justy to be the same, no matter how much she'd like to. She remembers all too well the Justy from the haunted house, alone in that hangar, and she knows that if he'd only give people the chance he'd never have to experience that. But that's his decision, not hers. All she can do is make him aware that the option's there. So she'll leave it at that, resting her head on his shoulder and reaching out to thread her fingers through his again.]
It's nice, isn't it? Falling in love. I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.
no subject
... I don't want to hurt people for the crime of loving me.
[ Justy says it simply again, no real tinge of sadness about it. He's accepted this about himself, rightly or wrongly. ]
But yeah, it's always nice while it lasts... I'm glad you got to feel it too.
[ Justy doesn't elaborate, though he never did say exactly whose feelings at the game he was protecting, or why he has more free time in public this week, more sake in his hand. He was always chaos and hard to track, with only those close enough or with sharp enough eyes to ever notice.
He squeezes her gently. ]
Wanna tell me about them?
no subject
[It's not accusatory--she's just stating a fact. Her frustration and anger has all but ebbed away now.]
If the reason you won't tell them you'd be okay with them staying is because you're afraid of them getting hurt, aren't you just protecting yourself so you don't have to feel guilty later?
[But she's not looking for a response; all she can do is plant the seeds for him to think about. Instead, she smiles, even if he might not be able to see it with their heads so close.]
In a lot of ways, he makes me think of Ai. But I think he's more bold than Ai ever was; any time I tease him, he pushes right back. And... well. [Her smile turns a bit more embarrassed, her cheeks burning as a blush creeps over her face.]
When we first came here, I wasn't... I didn't know if anyone would actually want to spend time with me. In Coriolis, most people only seek me out if they want something. But he... makes me feel like I'm worth seeing. Like I'm not just some useless noble that needs to be protected, I'm capable of doing the things I want to do. He sees me, and it doesn't scare me.
no subject
[ Justy says it all so flippantly, it's almost like it's a joke. Again, he's swinging back around to happy somehow, a snapped rubberband: ]
I'm really happy you got to experience all of that though! It's always best to be honest about this kind of thing, though, I think. No regrets.
... But no matter what happens, I hope you know I think you're worth seeing too.
I'm not even sure what family's supposed to feel like, if I'm honest. But maybe this is it? It's sorta how I felt about my crew. Something like that.
[ He trails off happily, eyes completely dry and his smile genuinely back. ]
I could see anyone again or never at all. [ A laugh. ]
Actually, I let myself fall in love again too. But I picked both of you last week. And I was going to pick you again.
no subject
I know you do. [The way Justy sees her is different, she thinks, but no less important--that other person makes her feel like she's burning bright, like maybe she truly is sunshine like Ai used to call her; the way Justy makes her feel seen feels like the supple leather of the bag at her hip, warm and soft and familiar through its reliability.] I wasn't sure at first, because some of the things you said made me think of Dusk. But it turns out you're nothing like him.
[But hang on, he's saying something about love? It makes her blink, startled, but combined with the rest of what he's saying it makes a little bit more sense, that maybe he doesn't mean "love" in the sense of romance and soulmates.]
Are you only able to keep one person from week to week? If so, you should pick them. I won't mind.
no subject
[ Justy laughs again. ]
Maybe. But it's mostly a one-sided thing, I think. He's better with words, I think he might like me, but he deserves someone that will only love him.
... It might be fun to have one last date though. You'd like that with your guy too, right?
no subject
[If he'd want that; she's not entirely sure after the conversation they had a little while ago... but it's worth going after. She means what she's said to Justy, and Wave's not going to let go without a fight either.]
I hope you can at least have fun with him one more time.
no subject
[ Justy squeezes her. ]
Let's have fun while we're all still here together.