[Theirs is not a romantic love, but there's a sudden click, a sudden shifting of the world as he lifts his hand up for her to take, and Wave realizes that ah, she's fucked. He's wormed his way into her heart, this man, and she takes that hand without hesitation, lacing their fingers.]
It's stupid.
[And she has so many conflicting emotions about it all, which is the worst part. Maybe she could work through it on her own if she didn't feel like she was being pulled in several different directions by all the ways she wants to respond.
But maybe that's something she can confide in him, in spite of the guilt that immediately begins to bubble up, the little voice in the back of her mind that wants to lecture her about expecting him to deal with her insecurities. Wave closes her eyes, taking a breath to at least try and find some sort of footing in all of this tumultuous mess.]
It's just--back in Coriolis, I learned to shove all of this away, you know? It was just... easier to not feel anything than to deal with what was happening. And now that I'm not doing that any more, there's so much that it's a little overwhelming. I don't know which feelings are mine, or which are just reactions to not feeling anything for so long, or which are just the products of refusing to acknowledge it. And then I feel like an idiot, because I should've known better than to let myself feel any of it in the first place, because that's the way I kept getting hurt in the first place.
[It's a mess!!!]
I don't want to not feel anything, either. That's not who I am. But I don't want to hurt people because I get pissed off any time I have an emotion stronger than "minor inconvenience."
cw: depression/trauma shit
It's stupid.
[And she has so many conflicting emotions about it all, which is the worst part. Maybe she could work through it on her own if she didn't feel like she was being pulled in several different directions by all the ways she wants to respond.
But maybe that's something she can confide in him, in spite of the guilt that immediately begins to bubble up, the little voice in the back of her mind that wants to lecture her about expecting him to deal with her insecurities. Wave closes her eyes, taking a breath to at least try and find some sort of footing in all of this tumultuous mess.]
It's just--back in Coriolis, I learned to shove all of this away, you know? It was just... easier to not feel anything than to deal with what was happening. And now that I'm not doing that any more, there's so much that it's a little overwhelming. I don't know which feelings are mine, or which are just reactions to not feeling anything for so long, or which are just the products of refusing to acknowledge it. And then I feel like an idiot, because I should've known better than to let myself feel any of it in the first place, because that's the way I kept getting hurt in the first place.
[It's a mess!!!]
I don't want to not feel anything, either. That's not who I am. But I don't want to hurt people because I get pissed off any time I have an emotion stronger than "minor inconvenience."