[Well. On the one hand, it's good that it isn't the worst-case scenario as she'd thrown it out there, but on the other? LORDS HELP HER, WHY ARE MEN. She's just going to... lift her hands to her face for a moment, sighing again.
Okay.
This is stupid, but fuck it. Why the hell not. She takes a breath, then looks back down to him, fixing Kaeya with a look that he probably hasn't seen so far. It's a sharp look, eyes narrowed just slightly, carefully almost suspicious and fucking perceiving. It's a "you're going to answer me, and you're going to answer me honestly" look.]
If that's the case, then tell me--why didn't you tell him that? Before he found out the hard way?
[It's not that hard--it is, after all, what she did.]
[Oh, he hasn't begun to see "if looks could kill" and hopefully he never will. That look was "first warning" :')
But he's admitted to it, and that makes her relent, dropping her hands back to his hair and beginning to smooth out the braid she'd been idly doing earlier.]
...yeah. I do.
It's easier when you don't have to worry about catching anyone else in the crossfire. The rest of the world can go to hell and it doesn't matter if you burn with it, as long as it burns. Right?
[Good. She reaches down to cup his face between both hands, leaning down so that she can be sure he's seeing her.]
The worlds don't care who gets hurt in the crossfire. It doesn't matter if you're afraid of dragging him down with you--the world can and will do exactly the same thing, and all you'll have managed is to make the both of you miserable in the meantime.
So don't you dare think you'd rather die alone. If you want something, grab it and don't fucking let go.
I think that just means I've made more mistakes. [She tries to meet it with a smile, but it's about as successful as before, and after a moment she lets her eyes drift closed, taking some small solace from the feeling of his hand touching her face.
There's a part of her that quails at the thought of sharing this, to be honest, because if she shares this, it might be the thread that unravels everything she hasn't said, all the truths she's been unwilling to face so far. But she also knows that fear he spoke about, the worry about dragging people down with him, and if there's any chance that she can impress upon him how much he shouldn't let that stop him... Wave takes a breath, then opens her eyes to look back down to him, nodding.]
There was a guy I traveled with after our worlds were destroyed. We didn't get along at first--actually, I'm pretty sure he threatened to slit my throat the first time we met. [It's said with a little bit of a laugh; guess where that tendency of hers comes from...] But we wound up working together to try and find his brothers, and somewhere along the way... It just became normal, you know? We didn't really have to talk about it; we just knew that wherever we were going next, we'd do it together.
I think... maybe if I'd known what was going to happen, I would've said something. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way as I did, but we were both too scared to talk about it. And neither of us were working with the people that eventually figured out how to restore the worlds, so we didn't even know it was coming...
[Which might be the worst part of it, really; she'd never gotten a chance to say goodbye.]
So it took me by surprise. One night we went to bed like normal, in the middle of this world made up of pieces of other ones, and the next morning I woke up under one of the Veloi trees back in Coriolis, by myself. There were only a couple of people that even knew anything had happened; everybody else just thought I'd gone missing for a couple weeks.
It's been more than two years since the worlds were restored. I don't know what happened to him or his brothers or if they ever made it back home themselves, and I just had to go back to my normal life like nothing had ever happened. The only reason I know it's not some story I made up is because I still have this flower he made from a napkin one night.
[He'd made one on a whim to see if he could swindle one of the bar's patrons out of their money by claiming it was a charm, the dumbass, and when she'd been surprised by the hidden (useless) talent, he'd made one for her as well.]
Edited (i'm so sorry i reread it and hated it and rewrote it and then it was stupid long aaaaaaaaaAAAAA) 2022-11-10 01:58 (UTC)
[...She calls it a mistake, but Kaeya struggles to see Wave's fault in her story. It's a bittersweet one, at least as far as a man like Kaeya sees it, but... well, there's something she didn't quite touch on, and Kaeya aims for the heart of the matter.]
[It's something she admitted to herself a long time ago, but there's still something a little scary about saying it aloud. Even though she trusts Kaeya, she can feel the pounding of her heart in her chest, the prickling of fear at the back of her mind that comes with admitting something like this.]
And I would've rather been dragged down with him than gone through the past two years in my own world. I don't care how bad it would've been--it couldn't have been worse than what I went through.
[So maybe she's a worse person than the rest of them. Because she's willing to be selfish now, willing to let others burn in that crossfire if they've made the choice to stay. Because it's their choice, whether they're willing to burn. Not hers.]
[Being selfish is only human. He can't admonish her for that and wouldn't if he wanted to because he understands what it feels like to lose such a precious connection. There's no bringing that person back, no changing the past, and he considers what she says carefully while carding his fingers through her hair. He lets the silence drag on, if only to place himself in her shoes for a moment.]
So it goes. When you find that precious person, who cares what happens to the rest of the world? Or worlds, in your case.
[And that doesn't make Wave a bad person, or perhaps they're both bad for being of like mind on this. Regardless—]
Have you ever thought to look for another?
[Someone else to love, someone else precious. Kaeya asks, but he isn't expecting any particular answer. Hell knows he can't judge when he's reluctant to look for such things himself.]
[Now it's Wave's turn to let the silence drag, eyes wandering as she thinks about it. The answer's no, but not for the reason one would normally expect--and that's a can of worms she's not entirely sure she wants to open quite yet. But it's hard for her not to answer a question asked, and she does want to answer, just...
Wave sighs, closing her eyes against the truth for a moment before she speaks.]
It would've been impossible on my own world. There's nobody there who'd see me for who I really am. So I guess I'd given up on finding anyone else for a long time.
But coming here... I think I could. I'd like that.
[Stop being so painfully relatable, Wave. There are a number of reasons why Kaeya hadn't ever sought out love, some of that being an inability to see how he could ever be with anyone back home knowing what the weight of his secrets would do to their potential relationship... but coming here has leveled the playing field a bit. If he can see it that way, surely Wave can too.]
Then why not start looking in earnest? Don't tell me you're afraid.
[She laughs--not a happy laugh, given their talk, but...]
Of course I am.
[Sorry Kaeya, you're losing your lap pillow. Wave carefully slides her legs out from beneath him, worming her way down so she can curl up beside him and rest her head on his chest. Her turn, because apparently he's going to pull this out of her and it's easier to admit when she's not looking directly at him.]
There are a lot of people out there that aren't honest about who they are. They'll pretend they're a good person as long as someone's looking at them, but as soon as you look away they start pulling everyone's strings. And before you know it, they're doing it to you, too.
[Wave scores points for being more honest than himself, but her answer is nothing he can delight in. He's grown rather fond of Wave, and hearing the hell she's been through, the hell she continues to go through, tugs uncomfortably at his heart. It's the type of feeling he's so prone to running from, an itch working its way under his skin... but he'll endure it for now. Ignore it outright.
When Wave shifts to lie against him, Kaeya curls into her, loops his arms around her. This is better, isn't it? She ought to feel supported at moments like these.
Still... hearing what she has to say? Kaeya wants to laugh. He's the last person who should be holding her, offering her comfort.]
...Well then, you'd better not turn your back on me.
[You won't like the sight you're treated to when you turn back around.]
[It's much better, lying like this, and she's grateful that Kaeya's willing to indulge her in it. It's a feeling she's missed, being held--feeling safe. But he'll be able to feel the way she shakes her head, looping one of her arms around him in return.]
You apologized for teasing me about the elevators. The kind of person I'm talking about, he exploited that fear. And then he turned around to try and convince me it was for my own safety.
[And he'd definitely never apologized.]
I'm not afraid of the person you are. I knew from the first day what I was getting into.
[The kind of person he is? He's an ass, Wave. But just because he was willing to put Wave's comfort first in one regard doesn't mean he would in another. Who knows what he might do to her on the battlefield? He can't promise he wouldn't delight in seeing the fear in her eyes after narrowly avoiding a fatal blow... but that's supposing she'd go into battle with him, which she'd no doubt have to were she to spend any length of time with him in Mondstadt.
Vexing. He shouldn't be pushing Wave like this, not when she's been nothing but accepting of who he is, but that's what scares Kaeya. Unsettles him. No one here is supposed to like him, the true him. He shouldn't want that for himself either, and so he'll continue to push.]
Did you? Just what kind of man do you think I am, Wave? I can almost guarantee we're of two different minds.
You sure you want to ask that? You might not like the answer you get.
[But she shifts so that she can look up to him nonetheless, resting her chin on her hand. Maybe she's wrong in her interpretation of him, but she wants to see the way he responds here, whether he meets her gaze or looks away. Kaeya's a good liar, better than most, but she's lived these past two years discerning the subtle changes in a man's tone and inflection. She wants to see.
But first she has to put her read of him into words, and that's almost always easier said than done.]
You're the kind of person that hides in plain sight. There's the "you" that you show the rest of the world, the flirty playful Kaeya, but that's not all of who you are. That's just how you keep people at arm's length, because if they get any closer than that they might see the darker parts of you that you try to keep hidden from the rest of the world.
[She narrows her eyes a bit in consideration.] I think you're angry, underneath it all. I don't know everything you've gone through, but I think there's something that happened that you feel like you're still paying for, or that you'll have to pay for. And you resent that. It comes out sometimes, right? Like with how you treat your recruits back home. [Like the girl he'd sent for coffee.] You like to push them and make them uncomfortable. It's a way you can act on that anger without anyone realizing why you're pushing them the way you do. But you're also scared that if someone gets close enough to see that side of you, you'll either drag them down with you and hurt them--and that if you do hurt them, you won't care--or they'll leave you instead.
So tell me, how far off am I from what you really think?
[He said he could almost guarantee they were of two different minds... well, there's hers.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Okay.
This is stupid, but fuck it. Why the hell not. She takes a breath, then looks back down to him, fixing Kaeya with a look that he probably hasn't seen so far. It's a sharp look, eyes narrowed just slightly, carefully almost suspicious and fucking perceiving. It's a "you're going to answer me, and you're going to answer me honestly" look.]
If that's the case, then tell me--why didn't you tell him that? Before he found out the hard way?
[It's not that hard--it is, after all, what she did.]
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...Because I'm afraid, Wave. Because I would rather die alone than drag someone else down with me. You understand that, don't you?
[For all you claim to be just as bad.]
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But he's admitted to it, and that makes her relent, dropping her hands back to his hair and beginning to smooth out the braid she'd been idly doing earlier.]
...yeah. I do.
It's easier when you don't have to worry about catching anyone else in the crossfire. The rest of the world can go to hell and it doesn't matter if you burn with it, as long as it burns. Right?
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Exactly. I regret hurting his feelings, but if the fault lies with anyone, it's me. Don't give him a hard time for my sake.
[He doesn't deserve it.]
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[AND HERE SHE IS, HELPING SWEEP UP THE PIECES.]
But I'll consider it, if you promise to actually listen to what I'm about to say.
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The worlds don't care who gets hurt in the crossfire. It doesn't matter if you're afraid of dragging him down with you--the world can and will do exactly the same thing, and all you'll have managed is to make the both of you miserable in the meantime.
So don't you dare think you'd rather die alone. If you want something, grab it and don't fucking let go.
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[I see you. How could I possibly look anywhere else?
But she's right, damningly so, and Kaeya's brow furrows. He's been a fool and he knows that, but he's extra aware of that now.]
...I'll talk to him. I'm just not ready to yet.
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[The hint of a smile tugs at the corner of her lips, but Kaeya's seen enough of hers by now, enough to recognize the sadness behind it.]
I've made that mistake before. Trust me--it's not worth it.
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[He jests, of course. Everyone makes mistakes, and reaching up, he brushes his fingers along Wave's cheek.]
Tell me about it.
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There's a part of her that quails at the thought of sharing this, to be honest, because if she shares this, it might be the thread that unravels everything she hasn't said, all the truths she's been unwilling to face so far. But she also knows that fear he spoke about, the worry about dragging people down with him, and if there's any chance that she can impress upon him how much he shouldn't let that stop him... Wave takes a breath, then opens her eyes to look back down to him, nodding.]
There was a guy I traveled with after our worlds were destroyed. We didn't get along at first--actually, I'm pretty sure he threatened to slit my throat the first time we met. [It's said with a little bit of a laugh; guess where that tendency of hers comes from...] But we wound up working together to try and find his brothers, and somewhere along the way... It just became normal, you know? We didn't really have to talk about it; we just knew that wherever we were going next, we'd do it together.
I think... maybe if I'd known what was going to happen, I would've said something. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way as I did, but we were both too scared to talk about it. And neither of us were working with the people that eventually figured out how to restore the worlds, so we didn't even know it was coming...
[Which might be the worst part of it, really; she'd never gotten a chance to say goodbye.]
So it took me by surprise. One night we went to bed like normal, in the middle of this world made up of pieces of other ones, and the next morning I woke up under one of the Veloi trees back in Coriolis, by myself. There were only a couple of people that even knew anything had happened; everybody else just thought I'd gone missing for a couple weeks.
It's been more than two years since the worlds were restored. I don't know what happened to him or his brothers or if they ever made it back home themselves, and I just had to go back to my normal life like nothing had ever happened. The only reason I know it's not some story I made up is because I still have this flower he made from a napkin one night.
[He'd made one on a whim to see if he could swindle one of the bar's patrons out of their money by claiming it was a charm, the dumbass, and when she'd been surprised by the hidden (useless) talent, he'd made one for her as well.]
no subject
Did you love him?
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[It's something she admitted to herself a long time ago, but there's still something a little scary about saying it aloud. Even though she trusts Kaeya, she can feel the pounding of her heart in her chest, the prickling of fear at the back of her mind that comes with admitting something like this.]
And I would've rather been dragged down with him than gone through the past two years in my own world. I don't care how bad it would've been--it couldn't have been worse than what I went through.
[So maybe she's a worse person than the rest of them. Because she's willing to be selfish now, willing to let others burn in that crossfire if they've made the choice to stay. Because it's their choice, whether they're willing to burn. Not hers.]
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So it goes. When you find that precious person, who cares what happens to the rest of the world? Or worlds, in your case.
[And that doesn't make Wave a bad person, or perhaps they're both bad for being of like mind on this. Regardless—]
Have you ever thought to look for another?
[Someone else to love, someone else precious. Kaeya asks, but he isn't expecting any particular answer. Hell knows he can't judge when he's reluctant to look for such things himself.]
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Wave sighs, closing her eyes against the truth for a moment before she speaks.]
It would've been impossible on my own world. There's nobody there who'd see me for who I really am. So I guess I'd given up on finding anyone else for a long time.
But coming here... I think I could. I'd like that.
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Then why not start looking in earnest? Don't tell me you're afraid.
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Of course I am.
[Sorry Kaeya, you're losing your lap pillow. Wave carefully slides her legs out from beneath him, worming her way down so she can curl up beside him and rest her head on his chest. Her turn, because apparently he's going to pull this out of her and it's easier to admit when she's not looking directly at him.]
There are a lot of people out there that aren't honest about who they are. They'll pretend they're a good person as long as someone's looking at them, but as soon as you look away they start pulling everyone's strings. And before you know it, they're doing it to you, too.
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When Wave shifts to lie against him, Kaeya curls into her, loops his arms around her. This is better, isn't it? She ought to feel supported at moments like these.
Still... hearing what she has to say? Kaeya wants to laugh. He's the last person who should be holding her, offering her comfort.]
...Well then, you'd better not turn your back on me.
[You won't like the sight you're treated to when you turn back around.]
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You apologized for teasing me about the elevators. The kind of person I'm talking about, he exploited that fear. And then he turned around to try and convince me it was for my own safety.
[And he'd definitely never apologized.]
I'm not afraid of the person you are. I knew from the first day what I was getting into.
no subject
Vexing. He shouldn't be pushing Wave like this, not when she's been nothing but accepting of who he is, but that's what scares Kaeya. Unsettles him. No one here is supposed to like him, the true him. He shouldn't want that for himself either, and so he'll continue to push.]
Did you? Just what kind of man do you think I am, Wave? I can almost guarantee we're of two different minds.
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[But she shifts so that she can look up to him nonetheless, resting her chin on her hand. Maybe she's wrong in her interpretation of him, but she wants to see the way he responds here, whether he meets her gaze or looks away. Kaeya's a good liar, better than most, but she's lived these past two years discerning the subtle changes in a man's tone and inflection. She wants to see.
But first she has to put her read of him into words, and that's almost always easier said than done.]
You're the kind of person that hides in plain sight. There's the "you" that you show the rest of the world, the flirty playful Kaeya, but that's not all of who you are. That's just how you keep people at arm's length, because if they get any closer than that they might see the darker parts of you that you try to keep hidden from the rest of the world.
[She narrows her eyes a bit in consideration.] I think you're angry, underneath it all. I don't know everything you've gone through, but I think there's something that happened that you feel like you're still paying for, or that you'll have to pay for. And you resent that. It comes out sometimes, right? Like with how you treat your recruits back home. [Like the girl he'd sent for coffee.] You like to push them and make them uncomfortable. It's a way you can act on that anger without anyone realizing why you're pushing them the way you do. But you're also scared that if someone gets close enough to see that side of you, you'll either drag them down with you and hurt them--and that if you do hurt them, you won't care--or they'll leave you instead.
So tell me, how far off am I from what you really think?
[He said he could almost guarantee they were of two different minds... well, there's hers.]